~Annthology~

Vaccines, Velveeta, & Viagra

The Nineteenth Amendment gave women the right to vote. Christianity no longer supports stoning disrespectful children (though it’s not that bad of an idea). Landmark strides have been made in microchip technology and manufacturing that does not involve illegal child labor. You can get TGIFridays mozzarella sticks in the freezer section at your local WalMart.

Cars run on batteries and batteries run on lithium and oddly, so does my crazy Aunt Caroline. There’s fast food, organic food, and I’m sure that someplace there is probably fast organic food. You can run your lawnmower on doughnut grease and fly a flaming American flag behind your inverted, ergonomic bicycle while your neighbor washes his car with an eight ounce spray bottle and a ShamWow.

We’ve gone from The Beaver to The Fonz to The Mentalist; Kool & the Gang to The Sugar Hill Gang to Gang of Four … from the Green Mountain Boys to Greenpeace, Green Acres, GreenDay, and Green Tea. There’s Bob Dylan, Sheriff Matt Dillon, and Dylan from Beverly Hills 90210 (the original one, not the new one). You can call it all progress or natural progression; the generation that follows yours isn’t going to care. They will choose for themselves. Oh yhea, the times, they are a changin’. And they always have been.

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I wonder who told Obama that “CHANGE” was a good slogan? CHANGE is the number one threat. It’s the opposite of everything that makes people happy. *assume Jane Austen voice: “Let’s not listen to that scary Rock-n-Roll, My Lord; go put some Tony Bennett on the victrola.” (no offense to Tony Bennett who is super sexy)

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Let’s say I start wearing little white day gloves and carrying a parasol (two accessories that I think are very spiffy). What would you say if you walked past me in Macy’s? Would you compliment me on my dynamic use of historical fashion or give me a weird look and cut through the sales racks?

Suppose I decide to put a smokehouse in my backyard and keep a couple of Haitians back there to tend to it.

OR

What if I (in association with IMAX and Bill Gates) created a magic machine that turned all of the 68-inch plasma screen televisions at Buffalo Wild Wings to black & white?

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How is it that in a nation created on generational “CHANGE”, we are so reluctant to accept that which is not our “own”. Until that happens we will always be more divided than united and if you ask me, that’s something that REALLY needs to change.

Damn you Bill Clinton!

I mean it. Damn you. You have ruined my day for the last time.

I used to love you Bill. I really did. You with your bedroom eyes and that sexy Arkansas whisper ~ let’s just say you could have had more than my vote. Don’t get me wrong here, I love Hillary too … in a girl’s-school-crush sort of way; curious, just not that curious. But those days are gone, Bill. Not only are you on my shit list, I am ready to freely admit that I fully regret impulsively dropping twenty-five bucks on that snoozer of yours, Giving, at an airport bookshop a few years ago.

In spite of rescuing the journalists imprisoned in North Korea and creating a bazillion dollar foundation, regardless of your influential world status and smooth talking machismo, it’s the side effect of your tryst with Monica (and I am not referring to STD’s) that haunts me to this day. No disrespect to Monica, of course. She seems like a perfectly nice girl.

My problem with you is bigger than your little cover-up lie about “having sex with that woman”. My problem with you is bigger than a stained dress. It’s bigger than pervasive cheating or money laundering or hiring a hit man and/or whatever else the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy folks have in their dossier. It’s personal, Bill … and as recently as this past Saturday, I have had to suffer the humiliation of your philandering.

You have taken away my personal liberty. You have infringed on my freedom as an American. I don’t think there’s a specific amendment in the Bill of Rights that fully encompasses what you’ve done, but I bet that someplace in the annals of Vogue there is. That’s right, Bill Clinton, you have crossed into territory where no straight man has the right to tread. You have violated my right to fashion. You destroyed a classic, the essence of chic.

Yes – I am talking about the beret.

So, Goodbye Bill Clinton … as we part, I have but one request ~ please, please stay away from Ben Affleck. My headwear wardrobe can’t take another hit.

Did Bill & Monica ruin the beret?
(polls)